Have you read the Jackhammer Jesus Saga? No? Oh, then you're missing out on a little something that I like to call "Don't feel so bad, your dad could have your vibrator hanging on his bedroom wall."

Tell you what, why don't you go catch up on this saga thus far and then come back for some more equally mortifying updates. Okay?

Part I
Part II
Part III

And now, for Part IV - alternatively titled: Part "I need an IV drip of morphine to take away the pain of this experience."

This past weekend I attended a fundraiser in Pennsylvania for a non-profit organization that I volunteer for. I confidently left my dad at home knowing he's mostly been sleeping and visiting his neighbor for the last few weeks, so he'd surely be just fine without me.

The weekend was a success and I traveled home on Sunday night. I called him on my way, and asked what he was doing. He said he was eating some birthday cake that he had gotten and a friends' birthday party. Of course I inquired who it was and he told me it was a friend of his who had a young daughter whom I had met before. I didn't think twice about it - hung up from speaking to him and assured him I'd be home within the half hour.

When I arrived home, he was doing just as he said - eating cake and watching porn the Food Network.

"I have a question." he said
"Well, Daddy. When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much, they sometimes want to show their love by making a baby."
"You're sick. I have a real question. Do you want that Crucifix upstairs in my room?"

...

No! I don't effing want a Jesus Vibrator that's in your room. Instead of saying this, I opted to take the less confrontational route and say:

"No."

I thought this was it. He was finally tired of looking at the Jesus with a Penis hanging on his wall. AND I didn't even have to tell him what it was. Score.

"Good, because I got rid of it."

(...HALLELUJAH! )

"Not a problem. I'll pick you up a new one, a little smaller, maybe."

"Don't worry about it. They're so damn expensive. I went out to the St. James' store today to get a gift for Sarah. Her mother recommended that I go there to get her gift. When I got there I saw a beautiful Jesus crucifix - It was $65.00! I am NOT paying that much for a Crucifix. How much did you pay for yours?"

"I think I paid 19.95"

(Plus a lifetime of damaging memories.)

"I'll pay you back for it. I just went ahead and gave yours to little Sarah for her birthday."

....

"I don't know why they wanted one now. She makes her First Holy Communion in May, didn't someone give you a crucifix for yours?"

...

"Let me know if my friend Lou calls. They hadn't opened the gifts when I left so I asked him to call me when she opens it to see if she likes it. I hope she does, I don't have a gift receipt."

...

Happy Birthday Sarah. I hope this doesn't damage you for life.